Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Sleep.
It's the one thing I need more than anything else at the moment. But its also the one thing that currently grips me with complete and utter fear at the moment. I'm yearning for a sleep that's not so terrifying, hoping that I can relax into sleep as I used to, as opposed to feeling utter terror when I can no longer keep my eyes open. The worst part of the night comes for me now when I can feel the sting of my eyes drying out through lack of sleep - that means that its coming, but that isn't so good when I feel so scared of this thing I need so much.
Why? It's hard to say exactly. I've always had a phobia of darkness for one. As a child I used to be terrified of night monsters and demons, of being grabbed in the night, of being taken from my family. No doubt any psychologist could come up with a hundred different explanations and causes for this sort of behaviour, but explanations were never what I needed - I could always come up with those myself. No, the thing I wanted most was to be with someone, near someone - anyone - who would simply give me their presence. Its the one thing I still need now, but never have I felt so lonely as now.
The last couple of weeks have been very rocky for me. I have been skirting the ridge of my sanity, feeling on the edge so to speak (a phrase I have little understood until recently). In part it is self-inflicted but, moreover, a deep unhappiness has taken hold of me leaving me without my insides. I am not eating and chastise myself for the smallest of pleasures that I grant myself. I feel as though I am revelling in sadness - the only thought that will do since my mum died in October. I'm not eating and am developing a lethargy like none I have experienced before. I am dropping out of my Law Degree and have moved back into living with my father. My mobile phone has been cut off because I can't afford to pay the bill and I am now starting to become insular too.
Where it will all stop I cannot be sure at the moment.
In classic terms I guess you could characterise all this as a form of depression. Having experienced a great deal of contact with problems of the mind in my life I am sure its not simply this. It seems to be more the grieving process, mixed with my very own form of self-flaggelation that I can neither explain nor justify in words. I seem, in short, to be condemning myself to my own 'hard treatment' and, at the moment, I am unconcerned with stopping it.
So, whilst I feel 'on the edge' I also know that I have it in my power to pull myself away from it. I alone can do it, despite what my friends and family think they can do for me. I am the master of many things in my life and have always had a strong control over myself, however the one thing that I need a bit more control over - my sleep, which will doubtlessly help me to get out of this state - I seem to have none. I yearn for it and yet it only comes to me when my body forces it upon me. I am looking forward to the time when I can regain the control that I am so used to and hope I can get a grip on my sleep soon. It might just be my salvation.
I hope my future posts are not so dull.
posted by Steven at Wednesday, November 22, 2006
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